How to Sext

Sexting Guide

So, you want to learn how to sext. As you probably know, sexting can be awesome for your relationship. Whether it’s with a fling or with your soulmate, sexting has a way of adding that extra layer of hot to your sex life. In a digital world, it only makes sense to merge texting with sex.

But sexting is… scary. At the very least, it’s intimidating and comes with a handful of questions: What do I say? Am I being dirty enough? Should I use the eggplant emoji? These are all valid questions. We’ve paired up with sex expert Amanda DiSalvo to give you the scoop. 

“Sexting should feel fun, liberating, and sexy. But being anxious is normal too. It’s a newer way to communicate sexually, so anxiety is natural,” DiSalvo says. “Plus,” she adds, “you don’t have to dive right into the dirty stuff.” DiSalvo takes us through the tips and texts you need to ease into some hot sexting with a partner

Initiate sexting by asking for consent

Starting off sexting is challenging, but you are going to have to ask for consent anyway. DiSalvo notes, “you want to make sure your partner is on the same page as you and in the mood to sext.” Establishing consent will ensure that you are both off to a sexy start and that your partner’s not in the middle of something wildly unsexy, like a business dinner. You can send something PG-13 to your sexting partner, followed by permission to continue. 

Example: “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that hot night last week. Are you in the mood to have a steamy texting convo?”

Build up the tension with sexting foreplay

Yes. Quality sexting requires foreplay. “Think of sexting like poker. If you show all your cards up front, the game is over. Playing it slow, building tension, and teasing keeps it interesting,” says DiSalvo. Take it even slower than you think you need to and build upon each sentence. You can even tell your partner that you want to take it deliciously slow so that the orgasms are even sweeter.

Example: “Let’s let this build slowly, I want to savor every erotic moment. If I were with you, I’d start by kissing your neck.”

Ask questions

Questions not only keep the sexting moving with ease, but they are also great at salvaging the moment if things get awkward. When you ask your sexting partner a question, you are tossing the ball in their court. “It’s a great device when you aren’t sure what to say,” explains DiSalvo. But it’s sexy too. You can ask your sexting partner what they’d do to you or what they’d want you to do to them! And, if things get a little weird or uncomfortable, you can always ask, “Do you mind if we take this in another direction?”

Example: “If I was naked on top of you right now, what would you do to me?”

Dirty talk + sexy emojis

Naughty words are the foundation of sexting. Freaky language is what is going to bring your saucy sext story to life. Make sure you are familiar with dirty words before you begin sexting. “Watch porn or read erotica to make yourself more comfortable with words you aren’t used to using in your everyday conversations,” mentions DiSalvo, “and steer clear of being too technical or medical.” Keep it fun with sexual emojis too. The eggplant, kitty, and splashes are among some of the favorite sexy emojis.

Example: “Thinking about your (splash emoji) (kitty emoji) makes my (eggplant emoji) hard…”

Use nude visuals

Have those sexy selfies on deck before the sexting even starts. Having a library of hot nudes will keep the responses quick and flowing. You can also send impromptu photos that are more in-the-moment as well. “Keep those photos safe,” says DiSalvo, “in other words, make sure your face and tattoos are hidden when you send pics.” Whether your partner is newer or not, keeping your face out of your nudes will allow any anxiety about leaks to remain at bay. You can also spice up your sexting with short videos, voice notes, and even memes! Also, you can always switch from sexting to FaceTime, so be prepared for that.

Example: “A sexy pic is coming your way. I am using my own hands to tease myself, but I wish they were yours.”

Explore the senses in detail

Details are sexy. The more specific, the better. Specifics are crucial to sexting because you are painting a picture with your words. Incorporate all five senses (touch, sight, hearing, smell, and taste). “Getting deep into describing your fantasy will help your partner better visualize your desires and play into them,” explains DiSalvo.

Example: “Sweat is rippling down my tingling body while I use my fingers to rub myself and think of your sexy scent.

Use your memories

Think about your previous sexual experiences when you are looking for inspiration. They are your best source for sexy material because it’s easy to describe something you’ve personally experienced. It can be an experience you’ve had with your sexting partner or someone else. If it’s a time you remember with the person you are currently sexting, you can use the phrase “remember when” to describe that memory. If you are using past sex experiences with someone new, you can tell them what turned you on from that experience without revealing that it’s one you’ve had with another person.

Example: “I get so turned on picturing you kissing my thigh and feeling your hot breath near my most sensitive spot.

Dip into the fantasy bank

DiSalvo tells us that, “sexting is a safe way to take a sexual adventure. Think about your most outrageous fantasies, and try them on for size!” Keeping your partner’s feelings and consent in mind, you can use sexting to explore your fantasies. Discussing fantasies can feel very vulnerable, but it’s easier to do over text. It’s a low-pressure way to nudge your sexual boundaries in a way that remains comfortable and safe.

Example: “I’ve always fantasized about having a threesome. What would you do if another person entered the bedroom with us?

Stay within your comfort zone

Don’t reach too far outside of what makes you feel sexy, safe, and comfortable. Discuss only what you can handle. If things take a turn that makes you feel uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to reroute the sexting into a territory that feels safe. There’s a large range of sexy texts and can go from playful to overly graphic in a snap. Remember that you are in control of your own sexting experience and you can press pause at any time. 

Example: “I’m not feeling what we’re talking about now. How about we go back to you telling me what sex position turns you on the most?

Final Thoughts

Sexting is interesting because it’s a form of masturbation that you perform with your partner, in different spaces. It requires a level of togetherness that intersects with sexual independence. Creativity, details, and consent drive great sexting. Remember that it’s supposed to be a fun experience. If the situation calls for a little bit of silliness, like an eggplant emoji, go with it! Do what comes naturally and remember that each sexting chat is different depending on the vibes the partners are throwing out there. DiSalvo reminds us not to forget post-sexting pillow talk. You just went through an experience that can lead to unique and strange emotions. “Talking it out with your partner will help you better understand what you just went through, which is important as you are sitting alone post-orgasm.”

Aftercare Example: “Wow, that was amazing for me. Still breathing pretty heavy. How was it for you?